It's 615 on the morning of my induction and Im sitting in the early morning light while Dad softly snores next to me. I've been up since about 4:30, off and on, with horrible indigestion. We are supposed to be at the hospital in an hour and 45 mins. Just typing that makes me have to stop and take a deep breath. I can't believe it's already here and though I think I'm ready, I'm way more worried that I am not. It's been a rough past year am I'm about to become a mother again, without my mother. I knew this would be difficult, and boy oh boy is it. I miss my mom like crazy and so wish she was at least a phone call away, but Uncle Bubba is on stand by to try and fill in for her, wont be the same but I'm hoping it'll help fill a small piece of the void. Jammaw is also here, watching Elijah for us while we are at the hospital. So thankful she is so willing to come whenever we need her! Leaving my baby boy, who is soon to not be my baby boy, and heading to the hospital may be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I'm a ball of emotions and I don't know whether to cry or laugh. I'm probably closer to crying. When J and I decided we were ready for a second kid, we were like kids in a candy store. All full excitement of what's to come. The closer we get to actually having two kids the more scared we are. My mom always told me not to worry so much about being a parent. No matter how many kids you've got, because you will figure it all out because you have to. Sounds kinda harsh, but she was right. We do what needs to be done, doesn't mean it's not hard and some days feel like they won't ever end. If I look deep inside of myself, I believe we can totally do this. We work so well together and we both want the same things for our kids. It's the same thing we went through before Elijah was born. I think the new and unknown can really throw you for a loop and as J can whole heartedly attest to, I'm not so great with the unknown. Lol!
Elijah, you are my entire world right now. I know this pregnancy and my emotional roller coaster has been weird for you, but you my little man have been a trooper! You probably won't remember all the times I got frustrated and yelled, but I will and I'm sorry for that. You don't seem too worse for the wear though, you still come running to me and tell me a million times a day, "I ruv you mommy! You're my dirl!" You make me proud to be your mom and I hope that this new baby brother doesn't rock your world too badly. My biggest fear is that you will feel like you've been replaced and I never want you to feel that way. You will always be the one who made us parents and it has been one hell of an awesome 3.5 years with just the three of us! Your Dad and I are gonna try our absolute hardest to keep the awesomeness going, for both you and your soon to be here little brother, promise. I love you big as the sky little man, forever and ever and ever!
Oliver, I am absolutely terrified and excited beyond words that I am about to finally meet you! So far you've been way different than your big brother. You seem much more relaxed and content to just chill in my belly, but boy oh boy when you're ready to move around you do it big! I never felt like Elijah would just burst though my belly with one of his kicks, you my love make me wonder everyday :) I can't wait to see who you look like, Dads hoping you will look like him, and what color your hair will be, your big brother is convinced it will be green! Lol! Two little blondes will be so weird for us. I had a dream you had black hair, so we will see. I'm hoping this delivery goes smoothly for both of us and that in less than 24 hrs I will be holding your healthy little self in my arms, feeling my heart grow bigger than I can even currently contemplate. I love you already and can't wait to see your little self!
Now that its 6:45, I've gotta start waking up J and get us ready to head out the door. Here's to our awesome soon to be family of four!
- A
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